Monday, December 17, 2007

i realised today. theres a thin line between serenity and loneliness. loneliness is a feeling of two sorts. one of being by yourself. or just feeling that way even if ur in a big group of friends. for me, its a juxtaposition of both.

its like today, i went to collect the ball my left foot knocked down from the tennis court to the area below the design studio. and my weary legs were taking a long time to get me back up to the tennis courts. and just in a single minute. i saw the birds and the freshness of the plants around me, the quietness in the school and the nostalgia of the murals we did that were at the art rooms when i was sec 1. just felt a sense of peace and serene feeling. and its like in the next few seconds. i suddenly felt like one caught in the past, abandoned in a place of the old. with no one. and this feeling or lethargy and sian-ness sat in. almost depressing.

and so i dropped the ball, watched it roll. and i kinda thought, arent we all somewhat like balls. we roll as far as momentum takes us. subjected to circumstances and situations, like how someone kicks the ball around. we rebound off walls, rough surfaces, smooth surfaces, drenched in the rain, made dirty by drains and mud. at that moment, i just felt, man, life really stinks, the way we just run into things, the way things can just meet and separate. why do i feel like a empty entity. like some ghost floating through life. in control yet never really in control.

and praise God cus Hes there. but today. i was thinking, wad if everyone u knew was busy all at once. wad if no one had time for u. wad if the people u were closest to abandoned u. wad if others hu made time for u. but u feel like such an ungrateful bastard cus u feel obliged to spend time with them. some related by blood, brought u into the world, whom u are truly in debt to but never really felt a connection with. and at that point in time today. i felt really really lonely. and i sat there thinking of the proposition of turning 18 in less than 24 hours. i kinda dreaded its coming, cus somehow, it feels like a extended version of my one minute prelude. and maybe i partially understood why people become so mundane but do nothing about it later on in life.

|cowpoo| 4:11 PM|

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